ThanksKilling (2009)

February 20, 2011

When it started I had to double check I had clicked the right movie. Yep. Thankskilling. The topless pilgrim woman in the scene before the credits is just there for… fun… I guess. Shes dying by obvious hand puppet monster topless in the woods because… oh hey, shes a porn star. Wanda Lust. Huh. Thanks google. Well. Roll credits.

I said roll credits.

The actual movie starts on a college campus that blasts generic college rock. There are some boob jokes, an awkward nerd friend, and the stereotype team is assembled. In the first six minutes too. That’s jock, nerd, fat guy, whore, and realist for all you keeping track at home. After some mind-blastingly awkward moments, a hermit’s dog pees on a miniature totem pole and the turkey/monster/hand puppet comes to life. A plot convenient engine malfunction then happens to our stereotype team, and they decide to camp in Crawberg, which according to the nerd, is where the turkey roams every 505 years. The surly cursing hand puppet turkey appears again, terrifying the realist with puns, horrifying puns, and lets her jog off. The team is confounded by this, and decides to just go to bed.

What do you mean we're going to get stuffed?

The turkey hitch hikes, almost has sex with a guy, then shoots him in the head and steals his car. The team, having arrived at their home town, disassembles and each heads to their own house. The turkey kills the jock’s parents, has sex with the whore, then kills her too. After this tragic loss everyone resolves to stop the turkey by reading. The turkey has coffee with the sheriff, then kills him, and greets his daughter, the realist, at the door while wearing his face and hat. They do five minutes of research, then find their answers in a book made of cardboard.

This is what science must feel like.

After all that exhausting research the fat guy goes to look for food, and discovers the realist’s father is the turkey in disguise. He headlocks the turkey, and the jock pulls off his ‘turkey talisman’. The turkey, of course, gets away, and they discover they have to burn him at the stake. The turkey blows the fat guy’s guts out from the inside, then makes some salad in his tepee. The remaining teens come to kill him, he escapes, and the hermit from the beginning shows up and blows his head off. They celebrate by watching horror movies and making out for the last 11 minutes of the movie. Or at least they do until turkey comes back from the dead irradiated and kills the rest of them, except for the realist of course, who is obligated by horror law to walk out of this movie, and into the sequel.

We're gonna need another research montage.

Most amazing quote: (Read it in a perky southern accent, with a smile, and no pauses) Oh by the way, your stepmomma left me. Love ya! Bye!

Death count: 1 by slurring turkey with axe, 1 dog and 2 people by unarmed slurring turkey, 2 by slurring turkey with shotgun, 4 by slurring turkey with hunting knife, 1 by slurring turkey with electric turkey carver

Would I recommend it? It was hilarious. It was also porn at some points. You may make your own decision as to whether or not that’s a good thing.

Side note: turkey poop is cocoa marshmallows rolled in paprika.

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Lets just get this out of the way, I dont know what exploded more during this movie, the school building, or my mind.

Pretty sure it was my mind.

In classic b-horror form, the movie opens with something completely normal set to creepy electronica, in this case a sunrise, then we pan to the source of impending doom, in this case a nuclear power plant. Guess where all that wayward radiation goes. just guess.

I dare you to guess.

Considering what poor plumbing systems we all know nuclear plants have, its no surprise that the movie starts with a pipe burst. Said pipe leaks green slime, which somehow ends up in the water system of the local highshool, causing a nerd to have a waterfountain seizure, choke a classmate, shoot green goo out of his ears, jump through a pane of glass, and peel the steaming skin off his own face. PEEL THE SKIN OFF HIS OWN FACE. I hope the capitals helped you imagine it.

While you picture that, here's the president of the honor society.

We then get a small slice of life in 1980’s middle-american adolescence. The students are diverse, vocal, and complex. They go to a classy place. A place of high learning. A place where you can come to school in full theater makeup, a fishnet body suit, and your grandmother’s wedding shoes. Paradise. Infections occour, due to some bad weed grown near the nuclear plant that the main characters all smoke at a sexy indoor bikini party. Things get pretty NSFW, and the two main characters start to mutate. The jock male lead gets in a toxic fistfight, while his girlfriend vomits up a miscarriage into a bathroom toilet.

Ooo, bowl freshener... told you it was a classy place.

That miscarriage travels through the pipes, harasses some kitchen staff, and lands in the basement. Afterwards a chick using a urinal harasses a nerd, a bathroom fight breaks out, and the honor society gets expelled. They decide to get revenge and swarm the principal’s office, using the PA system to evacuate the school. The female lead, who looks shockingly like Katherine Heigl, gets trapped in the basement by the leader of the honor society and his dominatrix friend. Jut as they are about to take a saw to her chest, her throat abortion, which looks shockingly like an alien/predator love child, rises from some slime, punches through the rapist dominatrix’s head, and procedes to slaughter the rest of the honor society, who are running around upstairs wrecking the school. After commencing the slaughter Katherine Heigel’s toilet born alien/predator throat abortion is finally defeated by laser blast in the chem lab, with seizure inducing flashes and negative color shots. The school goes boom, and everyone lives happily ever after until, presumably, the 90’s, when sanity returned.

Thankfully, that wont be for another four years.

Favorite line: “I have to go to the bathroom, my back teeth are floating.”

Counted:1 death by facepeel, 2 by raging mutated prep, 1 by regular old punching, 1 by throat aborted… thing, 1 by silenced semi automatic, 2 by headpunch, 1 by decapitiation

Would I recommend it?

YOU WATCH IT. YOU WATCH IT RIGHT NOW IT WAS AMAZING.