The Wasp Woman (1959)

April 21, 2011

As the movie starts we’re slapped in the face with an orchestra, and the credits roll, and honey bees are shown below the title ‘wasp woman’.

Trust me, Ill be making this face a lot over the next hour.

The actual movie begins with a yet unnamed guy gassing, and then putting a wasp nest in the kind of box you’d normally carry camera equipment in. Some bee keepers talk, there’s some technically plot relevant but entirely uninteresting dialogue, the guy with the gas can’s boss shows up, and after he explains that he has been extracting royal jelly from queens and managed to completely halt the aging process in animal test subjects his boss fires him.

We switch to future wasp woman who, despite having 20 years of business experience in cosmetics and modeling from running her own very successful start-up company, gets torn down by a man on her board of advisers, because according to him sales are falling off because she’s no longer hot enough to model for the ads.

Im actually more annoyed with how this bar graph has no lables than his abrasive sexism.

Since her only value to society is based in her physical appearance, our wasp woman decides to rejuvenate her face. Zinthrop, our mad scientist with the royal jelly from before, comes in and demonstrates the effects of his science by injecting jelly into guinea pigs and makes them ‘younger’. Did I mention that the ‘younger’ guinea pig is a rat? That’s right kids, pokemon is set in 1950’s America. Go ask your grandparents.

I want to be the very best DUH NUH like no one ever was DUH NUH NUH NUH

The wasp woman and the scientist agree to work together, and inject her with a bunch of serum. She can’t wait for normal effects though, and of course sneaks in for more. The scientist goes missing at some point, and so they go searching for him around town to some very annoying zylophone music. Once they find him, he’s in a coma, and the only logical thing for the wasp woman to do is to keep up with her overdose. She injects herself with more than a shot glass full of serum, and after 55 MINUTES WE FINALLY HAVE A MONSTER. UGH. FINALLY. HOW LONG CAN YOU POSSIBLY TAKEĀ  YOU MOTHER FU

The scientist comes back from hospital, and our wasp woman tries to cover up that she killed one of her board members in a waspy rage. The secretary and sexist board member break into wasp ladies files to try and figure out what is going on while wasp lady kills the nurse taking care of the still bed ridden scientist. Sexist board member and the scientist attack wasp lady, using a chair and a conveniently located bottle of carbolic acid, then throw her out the window.

Deaths: 4 by waspy vengeance, 1 by boredom(me)

Would I recommend it? No. Just no. I have nothing clever.

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My urge toward laziness has been overwhelmed by my urge to make you all listen to me again, so here’s another post!

I’m sure you’re all thrilled. So, as I lay here sifting through titans, zombie strippers, and wasp women who are NOT my relatives, just know that I am making the minimum once-a-month-oh-f*<k-I-have-to-post effort…

And it feels amazing.