The Wasp Woman (1959)

April 21, 2011

As the movie starts we’re slapped in the face with an orchestra, and the credits roll, and honey bees are shown below the title ‘wasp woman’.

Trust me, Ill be making this face a lot over the next hour.

The actual movie begins with a yet unnamed guy gassing, and then putting a wasp nest in the kind of box you’d normally carry camera equipment in. Some bee keepers talk, there’s some technically plot relevant but entirely uninteresting dialogue, the guy with the gas can’s boss shows up, and after he explains that he has been extracting royal jelly from queens and managed to completely halt the aging process in animal test subjects his boss fires him.

We switch to future wasp woman who, despite having 20 years of business experience in cosmetics and modeling from running her own very successful start-up company, gets torn down by a man on her board of advisers, because according to him sales are falling off because she’s no longer hot enough to model for the ads.

Im actually more annoyed with how this bar graph has no lables than his abrasive sexism.

Since her only value to society is based in her physical appearance, our wasp woman decides to rejuvenate her face. Zinthrop, our mad scientist with the royal jelly from before, comes in and demonstrates the effects of his science by injecting jelly into guinea pigs and makes them ‘younger’. Did I mention that the ‘younger’ guinea pig is a rat? That’s right kids, pokemon is set in 1950’s America. Go ask your grandparents.

I want to be the very best DUH NUH like no one ever was DUH NUH NUH NUH

The wasp woman and the scientist agree to work together, and inject her with a bunch of serum. She can’t wait for normal effects though, and of course sneaks in for more. The scientist goes missing at some point, and so they go searching for him around town to some very annoying zylophone music. Once they find him, he’s in a coma, and the only logical thing for the wasp woman to do is to keep up with her overdose. She injects herself with more than a shot glass full of serum, and after 55 MINUTES WE FINALLY HAVE A MONSTER. UGH. FINALLY. HOW LONG CAN YOU POSSIBLY TAKEĀ  YOU MOTHER FU

The scientist comes back from hospital, and our wasp woman tries to cover up that she killed one of her board members in a waspy rage. The secretary and sexist board member break into wasp ladies files to try and figure out what is going on while wasp lady kills the nurse taking care of the still bed ridden scientist. Sexist board member and the scientist attack wasp lady, using a chair and a conveniently located bottle of carbolic acid, then throw her out the window.

Deaths: 4 by waspy vengeance, 1 by boredom(me)

Would I recommend it? No. Just no. I have nothing clever.

The movie opens with two men staring into telescope, the younger man immediately realizes that the mysterious thing he had just announced seeing must have just been light on the lens, and the credits roll. The fumes from the fake beard glue coming off the older man must have overpowered him. A UFO shaped like drill then descends into the desert on a string, and things start to get real. A dog gets vaporized, martians assess the surface, and they bring out the gorgon, which we can only assume is alien for lobster, because that’s what it is. The monster is a lobster, in a cage, with bars. Did we mention it howls?

AUGAUAUAUAUAUUU

Derek, our angular, robot voiced protagonist, protests and turns traitor. He escapes into a small town where he befriends a teenage girl named Betty who, despite his robot voice and insurmountable stiffness, decides that Derek seems like the kind of guy she can force to move in with her, and convinces him to come inside, rent her older brother’s vacant room, and wear his old clothes. Just as Derek is about to get into a pool with Betty and her blond friend, he drops the tag he picked up off the dog’s remains, and Betty demands he show her where he found it. They find what’s left of the dog, and Betty decides that this is the place and time to hit on him, expressing how close she feels they are after the 20-30 minutes that they have known each other. A game of cat and mouse then begins as Thor, another alien, tries to hunt Derek down. Several police officers are vaporized, delicate ladies are imperiled, and Thor gets shot in the arm twice. Derek and Betty run around for a bit more and make out by the gorgon’s lair. The gorgon waits politely for them to stop, attacks, then lets them escape.

Lobster slap!

They spend the rest of the movie preparing for, and fighting, the lobster. The last minute and features Derek, floating in the sky, having given up his life to save earth from giant screaming lobsters everywhere.

It was sweet of him, really.

In the end…

6 people and 1 dog dead by bone stripping laser gun,

3 slapped to death by gigantic shreiking lobster.

Would I recommend it?

Watch it with witty friends.