Class of Nuke ’em High (1986)

February 10, 2011

Lets just get this out of the way, I dont know what exploded more during this movie, the school building, or my mind.

Pretty sure it was my mind.

In classic b-horror form, the movie opens with something completely normal set to creepy electronica, in this case a sunrise, then we pan to the source of impending doom, in this case a nuclear power plant. Guess where all that wayward radiation goes. just guess.

I dare you to guess.

Considering what poor plumbing systems we all know nuclear plants have, its no surprise that the movie starts with a pipe burst. Said pipe leaks green slime, which somehow ends up in the water system of the local highshool, causing a nerd to have a waterfountain seizure, choke a classmate, shoot green goo out of his ears, jump through a pane of glass, and peel the steaming skin off his own face. PEEL THE SKIN OFF HIS OWN FACE. I hope the capitals helped you imagine it.

While you picture that, here's the president of the honor society.

We then get a small slice of life in 1980’s middle-american adolescence. The students are diverse, vocal, and complex. They go to a classy place. A place of high learning. A place where you can come to school in full theater makeup, a fishnet body suit, and your grandmother’s wedding shoes. Paradise. Infections occour, due to some bad weed grown near the nuclear plant that the main characters all smoke at a sexy indoor bikini party. Things get pretty NSFW, and the two main characters start to mutate. The jock male lead gets in a toxic fistfight, while his girlfriend vomits up a miscarriage into a bathroom toilet.

Ooo, bowl freshener... told you it was a classy place.

That miscarriage travels through the pipes, harasses some kitchen staff, and lands in the basement. Afterwards a chick using a urinal harasses a nerd, a bathroom fight breaks out, and the honor society gets expelled. They decide to get revenge and swarm the principal’s office, using the PA system to evacuate the school. The female lead, who looks shockingly like Katherine Heigl, gets trapped in the basement by the leader of the honor society and his dominatrix friend. Jut as they are about to take a saw to her chest, her throat abortion, which looks shockingly like an alien/predator love child, rises from some slime, punches through the rapist dominatrix’s head, and procedes to slaughter the rest of the honor society, who are running around upstairs wrecking the school. After commencing the slaughter Katherine Heigel’s toilet born alien/predator throat abortion is finally defeated by laser blast in the chem lab, with seizure inducing flashes and negative color shots. The school goes boom, and everyone lives happily ever after until, presumably, the 90’s, when sanity returned.

Thankfully, that wont be for another four years.

Favorite line: “I have to go to the bathroom, my back teeth are floating.”

Counted:1 death by facepeel, 2 by raging mutated prep, 1 by regular old punching, 1 by throat aborted… thing, 1 by silenced semi automatic, 2 by headpunch, 1 by decapitiation

Would I recommend it?



2 Responses to “Class of Nuke ’em High (1986)”

    • It was so over the top I have no more metaphors.

      Also its R rated for a reason, so don’t come back and say I didn’t warn you once you and your grandmother have some suuuuper awkward moments watching it together.

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