The Wasp Woman (1959)

April 21, 2011

As the movie starts we’re slapped in the face with an orchestra, and the credits roll, and honey bees are shown below the title ‘wasp woman’.

Trust me, Ill be making this face a lot over the next hour.

The actual movie begins with a yet unnamed guy gassing, and then putting a wasp nest in the kind of box you’d normally carry camera equipment in. Some bee keepers talk, there’s some technically plot relevant but entirely uninteresting dialogue, the guy with the gas can’s boss shows up, and after he explains that he has been extracting royal jelly from queens and managed to completely halt the aging process in animal test subjects his boss fires him.

We switch to future wasp woman who, despite having 20 years of business experience in cosmetics and modeling from running her own very successful start-up company, gets torn down by a man on her board of advisers, because according to him sales are falling off because she’s no longer hot enough to model for the ads.

Im actually more annoyed with how this bar graph has no lables than his abrasive sexism.

Since her only value to society is based in her physical appearance, our wasp woman decides to rejuvenate her face. Zinthrop, our mad scientist with the royal jelly from before, comes in and demonstrates the effects of his science by injecting jelly into guinea pigs and makes them ‘younger’. Did I mention that the ‘younger’ guinea pig is a rat? That’s right kids, pokemon is set in 1950’s America. Go ask your grandparents.

I want to be the very best DUH NUH like no one ever was DUH NUH NUH NUH

The wasp woman and the scientist agree to work together, and inject her with a bunch of serum. She can’t wait for normal effects though, and of course sneaks in for more. The scientist goes missing at some point, and so they go searching for him around town to some very annoying zylophone music. Once they find him, he’s in a coma, and the only logical thing for the wasp woman to do is to keep up with her overdose. She injects herself with more than a shot glass full of serum, and after 55 MINUTES WE FINALLY HAVE A MONSTER. UGH. FINALLY. HOW LONG CAN YOU POSSIBLY TAKEĀ  YOU MOTHER FU

The scientist comes back from hospital, and our wasp woman tries to cover up that she killed one of her board members in a waspy rage. The secretary and sexist board member break into wasp ladies files to try and figure out what is going on while wasp lady kills the nurse taking care of the still bed ridden scientist. Sexist board member and the scientist attack wasp lady, using a chair and a conveniently located bottle of carbolic acid, then throw her out the window.

Deaths: 4 by waspy vengeance, 1 by boredom(me)

Would I recommend it? No. Just no. I have nothing clever.

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My urge toward laziness has been overwhelmed by my urge to make you all listen to me again, so here’s another post!

I’m sure you’re all thrilled. So, as I lay here sifting through titans, zombie strippers, and wasp women who are NOT my relatives, just know that I am making the minimum once-a-month-oh-f*<k-I-have-to-post effort…

And it feels amazing.

ThanksKilling (2009)

February 20, 2011

When it started I had to double check I had clicked the right movie. Yep. Thankskilling. The topless pilgrim woman in the scene before the credits is just there for… fun… I guess. Shes dying by obvious hand puppet monster topless in the woods because… oh hey, shes a porn star. Wanda Lust. Huh. Thanks google. Well. Roll credits.

I said roll credits.

The actual movie starts on a college campus that blasts generic college rock. There are some boob jokes, an awkward nerd friend, and the stereotype team is assembled. In the first six minutes too. That’s jock, nerd, fat guy, whore, and realist for all you keeping track at home. After some mind-blastingly awkward moments, a hermit’s dog pees on a miniature totem pole and the turkey/monster/hand puppet comes to life. A plot convenient engine malfunction then happens to our stereotype team, and they decide to camp in Crawberg, which according to the nerd, is where the turkey roams every 505 years. The surly cursing hand puppet turkey appears again, terrifying the realist with puns, horrifying puns, and lets her jog off. The team is confounded by this, and decides to just go to bed.

What do you mean we're going to get stuffed?

The turkey hitch hikes, almost has sex with a guy, then shoots him in the head and steals his car. The team, having arrived at their home town, disassembles and each heads to their own house. The turkey kills the jock’s parents, has sex with the whore, then kills her too. After this tragic loss everyone resolves to stop the turkey by reading. The turkey has coffee with the sheriff, then kills him, and greets his daughter, the realist, at the door while wearing his face and hat. They do five minutes of research, then find their answers in a book made of cardboard.

This is what science must feel like.

After all that exhausting research the fat guy goes to look for food, and discovers the realist’s father is the turkey in disguise. He headlocks the turkey, and the jock pulls off his ‘turkey talisman’. The turkey, of course, gets away, and they discover they have to burn him at the stake. The turkey blows the fat guy’s guts out from the inside, then makes some salad in his tepee. The remaining teens come to kill him, he escapes, and the hermit from the beginning shows up and blows his head off. They celebrate by watching horror movies and making out for the last 11 minutes of the movie. Or at least they do until turkey comes back from the dead irradiated and kills the rest of them, except for the realist of course, who is obligated by horror law to walk out of this movie, and into the sequel.

We're gonna need another research montage.

Most amazing quote: (Read it in a perky southern accent, with a smile, and no pauses) Oh by the way, your stepmomma left me. Love ya! Bye!

Death count: 1 by slurring turkey with axe, 1 dog and 2 people by unarmed slurring turkey, 2 by slurring turkey with shotgun, 4 by slurring turkey with hunting knife, 1 by slurring turkey with electric turkey carver

Would I recommend it? It was hilarious. It was also porn at some points. You may make your own decision as to whether or not that’s a good thing.

Side note: turkey poop is cocoa marshmallows rolled in paprika.

Totally not a review… yet.

February 19, 2011

This is not a review, unlike whatever I post later tonight. This is me setting a goal. Shocking, I know.

When I went to the midnight premier of Human Centipede at the Music Box they did as many theaters do. They played ads for movies geared toward the assumed tastes of the audience. One of those ads was for Birdemic. I have yet to see this movie.

 

 

Yeah. I think I need time though. I have to work out. Hone my skills. Learn to shoot arrows through flying tomatoes and into circle targets on a tree. Be able to guard against flying rocks with a bucket full of water balanced on my head (just watched Mulan, which is actually a great movie. I cried. Whatever. Don’t judge me, we both know whats in YOUR browser history.)

Anyway, I need to be prepared, because this very well may be the worst movie in existence.

Someone call Ed Wood’s tombstone and give it the good news.

Lets just get this out of the way, I dont know what exploded more during this movie, the school building, or my mind.

Pretty sure it was my mind.

In classic b-horror form, the movie opens with something completely normal set to creepy electronica, in this case a sunrise, then we pan to the source of impending doom, in this case a nuclear power plant. Guess where all that wayward radiation goes. just guess.

I dare you to guess.

Considering what poor plumbing systems we all know nuclear plants have, its no surprise that the movie starts with a pipe burst. Said pipe leaks green slime, which somehow ends up in the water system of the local highshool, causing a nerd to have a waterfountain seizure, choke a classmate, shoot green goo out of his ears, jump through a pane of glass, and peel the steaming skin off his own face. PEEL THE SKIN OFF HIS OWN FACE. I hope the capitals helped you imagine it.

While you picture that, here's the president of the honor society.

We then get a small slice of life in 1980’s middle-american adolescence. The students are diverse, vocal, and complex. They go to a classy place. A place of high learning. A place where you can come to school in full theater makeup, a fishnet body suit, and your grandmother’s wedding shoes. Paradise. Infections occour, due to some bad weed grown near the nuclear plant that the main characters all smoke at a sexy indoor bikini party. Things get pretty NSFW, and the two main characters start to mutate. The jock male lead gets in a toxic fistfight, while his girlfriend vomits up a miscarriage into a bathroom toilet.

Ooo, bowl freshener... told you it was a classy place.

That miscarriage travels through the pipes, harasses some kitchen staff, and lands in the basement. Afterwards a chick using a urinal harasses a nerd, a bathroom fight breaks out, and the honor society gets expelled. They decide to get revenge and swarm the principal’s office, using the PA system to evacuate the school. The female lead, who looks shockingly like Katherine Heigl, gets trapped in the basement by the leader of the honor society and his dominatrix friend. Jut as they are about to take a saw to her chest, her throat abortion, which looks shockingly like an alien/predator love child, rises from some slime, punches through the rapist dominatrix’s head, and procedes to slaughter the rest of the honor society, who are running around upstairs wrecking the school. After commencing the slaughter Katherine Heigel’s toilet born alien/predator throat abortion is finally defeated by laser blast in the chem lab, with seizure inducing flashes and negative color shots. The school goes boom, and everyone lives happily ever after until, presumably, the 90’s, when sanity returned.

Thankfully, that wont be for another four years.

Favorite line: “I have to go to the bathroom, my back teeth are floating.”

Counted:1 death by facepeel, 2 by raging mutated prep, 1 by regular old punching, 1 by throat aborted… thing, 1 by silenced semi automatic, 2 by headpunch, 1 by decapitiation

Would I recommend it?

YOU WATCH IT. YOU WATCH IT RIGHT NOW IT WAS AMAZING.

The movie opens with two men staring into telescope, the younger man immediately realizes that the mysterious thing he had just announced seeing must have just been light on the lens, and the credits roll. The fumes from the fake beard glue coming off the older man must have overpowered him. A UFO shaped like drill then descends into the desert on a string, and things start to get real. A dog gets vaporized, martians assess the surface, and they bring out the gorgon, which we can only assume is alien for lobster, because that’s what it is. The monster is a lobster, in a cage, with bars. Did we mention it howls?

AUGAUAUAUAUAUUU

Derek, our angular, robot voiced protagonist, protests and turns traitor. He escapes into a small town where he befriends a teenage girl named Betty who, despite his robot voice and insurmountable stiffness, decides that Derek seems like the kind of guy she can force to move in with her, and convinces him to come inside, rent her older brother’s vacant room, and wear his old clothes. Just as Derek is about to get into a pool with Betty and her blond friend, he drops the tag he picked up off the dog’s remains, and Betty demands he show her where he found it. They find what’s left of the dog, and Betty decides that this is the place and time to hit on him, expressing how close she feels they are after the 20-30 minutes that they have known each other. A game of cat and mouse then begins as Thor, another alien, tries to hunt Derek down. Several police officers are vaporized, delicate ladies are imperiled, and Thor gets shot in the arm twice. Derek and Betty run around for a bit more and make out by the gorgon’s lair. The gorgon waits politely for them to stop, attacks, then lets them escape.

Lobster slap!

They spend the rest of the movie preparing for, and fighting, the lobster. The last minute and features Derek, floating in the sky, having given up his life to save earth from giant screaming lobsters everywhere.

It was sweet of him, really.

In the end…

6 people and 1 dog dead by bone stripping laser gun,

3 slapped to death by gigantic shreiking lobster.

Would I recommend it?

Watch it with witty friends.

Welcome to onedollardrivein, where I go out in search of the crappiest, cheesiest, stupidest, and most downright absurd horror movies throughout movie history, and tell you just how eye-popping and vomit inducing they were.

Other things might also happen, but only if you’re lucky.